User Profile

I beleive that I am a very different person. I notice the inconsistancies in society.
The way that everyone follows one another to what they beleive is salvation when in reality
it is merely certain doom. I also see the hate and the pain that everyone shows toward one another
merely because they are different than what the media says you should be. I have come to realize
these things and I have come to beleive that there is nothing that can be done about this. People
were created with the ability to make their own decisions and do as they please and if they choose
to live their lives in this way then so be it. I have come to see these things, the way the world is
the world that I must live in. I dont try to go against the flow of things because that would just
ensure my unhappiness. So I just go with it and do what I can to make myself happy in my life
because after all, this is MY LIFE.
I am a very different person I act very different at different times. Sometimes I see myself as having multiple personalities "I dont really" For any one who is interested I will number them so that those who want to know who I am can learn.

1. This is my state of awareness my state of knowing and being aware of all. ... I am able to enjoy the finer things in life such as the arts and writings. In this state I like to write things and draw as well and let out my emotions in the form of words or pictures. People have told me that I apear to be depressed when they see me in this state but in reality I am merely void of emotion.

2. The next state is by far my favorite. It is the state where I am completely comfortable with myself and my surroundings and am free to do whatever I want. When I am in this state I make it my mission to help others and to make others happy even if they dont want to be.

3. The next one is like my state of zen I dont have a problem in the worl and if i do i can easily deal with them.

4. This one is my romantic state. My passion for woman and their... greatness. comes out and i become highly flirtacios and caring.

5. This is the sucky state all the pain overwhelms and I lose hope in evrything and slip in to the abyss of nothing.. .but any way this one is bad

This is pretty much a biography of myself that I wrote so rthat I can remember what I do and still continue to remember what I do of the life I have lived and never forget the lessons that I have learned.

I was born in Stoneham Massachusettes in the year ::cough cough::. After I was born I was raised in an apartment building in the city of everett. (the ghetto) My mother drank on occasion and my father drank constantly. I highlight on this topic only because if they did not drink at all I would not be in the same place of life that I am now... And frankly Im glad for that because if they didnt then I wouldnt be as strong as I am now and I wouldnt have the great people in my life that I do now. As I was saying my father drank constantly. If he was thirsty he would resort to alcohol. It is not that bad that my father decided to drink his problems away rather than dealing with them... The thing was that his actions when he drank affected others. My father was a very abusive drunk both emotionally and physically.

I have a brother who was born six years before me and a sister who was born eight years before me. They both have different fathers. My father got together with my mother three years before I was born. My father was a very strict parent to my brother and sister. My brother and sister tell me stories about the harsh punishments they used to recieve. They tell me of times they were forced by my father to copy scripture out of the bible. Thats just one of the many punishments they were given. Things carried on this way until I was born. My first memories were of my fifth birthday party. We were in the apartment and I had no friends there. I wasnt allowed outside so I never met anybody to be friends with. I remember walking down the hallway and only seeing my dads friends from his work and family stumbling around drunk. To this day I dont beleive that the party was even for me. I never told my parents but I remember spending half of the party in my room crying. I dont remember much from this period in my life... Just watching television and the horrors of preschool. I had this evil old biddy for a teacher. I remember one time she kept me after school because I was making my sevens backwards. I WAS A FUCKING KID IN PRESCHOOL AND SHE WAS KEEPING ME AFTER SCHOOL

Later on my father was laid off and I had to move in with my grandparents and my aunt ::the ice queen:: My grandmother is a very sick woman. But I can see why. Her life is full of alcoholics and addicts and she has no way and no will to find a way to cope with her problems. My aunt is just plain crazy. When she was a teenager she did an overwhelming amount of drugs which cause her to develope a nervous twitch. So now she just sort of smiles at random even if she is unhappy... Really unfortunate when she is trying to discipline her bratty children. We had to live there for about a year. It was quite a difficult living situation. There were ten of us living in that one small house. Each one with a quality of mental unhingedness.

After that we moved out of Massachusettes and in to Nashua New Hampshire. I must say it was much more quiet and not near as crowded in our new house. I had to take a year off from school because they said that it was too late in the year to start first grade so I got to just hang out in the house for practically the whole year...ug from here I will divide everything up by school years.

First Grade
When I began school I learned alot about myself by what happened in school and what happened at home. Because my father had been laid off we didnt have alot of money so i didnt have the nice clothing that the world sees and looks at to measure social status and popularity. So again I remained without a friend in the world

The following is a brief outline of my life after such. I will go in to detail in later entries

Second Grade

Third Grade
Met and befriended Adam Cooper
Fourth Grade
Met and befriended Mike Doxzon
Fifth Grade

Sixth Grade/ First Year of Alateen
Early november- first alateen meeting
Met and befriended Dan Doherty
July 1X- went to first neac

Seventh Grade/ Second Year of Alateen
Began to lose friendship with Adam Coooper
Met and befriended Tony Forrence
July 1X- went to second neac
Met Megan my first Girlfriend (lost touch over the summer)

Eighth Grade/ Third Year of Alateen
May- Wen to the Half moon sober festival and met Bethany my longest relationship that off and on went for about two years (not counting the off time)
July 1X- went to third neac

Ninth Grade/ Fourth Year of Alateen
Began to lose friendship with Dan Doherty
Met Brittany (first love and first kiss and then she cheated on me twice ::drama drama::) (1, 2, and 2.5)
She broke my heart about two months or so later.
July 1X- went to fourth neac
August- Went to teen institute and met Lyndsey White (1 and 2)
Ended about a month later

Tenth Grade/ Fifth Year of Alateen
October 31st- Met Steph (1,2, and 3)
Broke up in late febuary due to the relationship going nowhere and distance problem
March- Met Zoe Whited
Ended around May (cheated on me with another woman)(1,2, and 3)
Met and befriended Matt Copson
June- met julie (kinda started relationship... ended after i went to neac
July 1X- went to fifth neac

Eleventh Grade/ Sixth Year of Alateen
Some time in early winter or fall- went out with sarah for about two weeks
Later winter at dans concert- Met Linda (drama with other man never actually got relationship... I consider this still as major event because I had a lot of feelings for her even though in the end it didnt end up the way I wanted it too. )
Met and befriended
Chad
Bernard
Travis
Derek
And Mike
::After here is already in my live journal::
June- Morman drama :b
July 1X- went to sixth neac

Twelfth Grade/ Present/ Seventh Year of Alateen

First Grade- Sixth Grade
Once when I was 6 or 8 years old my mother went away to Mass with my grandmother because my grandmother was very ill. My father never really physically punished me before because as my sister says it I was his little boy. I was his only child. I was alone with my father and I was crying. To this day I dont remember what for. But I bet you all know this famous line "You want me to give you something to cry about?" Most parents use this as an idle threat. Not my father. That was the last time until this past neac that have have shed a tear aside from those of rage. To this day I still have a bit of trouble expressing my feelings with people. After my many years of program I came to realize one thing, My father did whatever he could to stop me from crying. In my fathers family it was the same way. Emotions were a weakness. To show your emotion was to show that you were weak and that you were vulnerable. So the only way they knew how to deal with it was to deal with it physically . Normally people try to comfort those feeling pain. My father never did because he didnt know how. He never had before. He didnt know how to comfort because he never had been before and he didnt know any other way to react to emotion aside from that. The only thing he knew was to lash out. The main thing I remember about my childhood aside from being a social outcast was having my first crush and my first rejection. Let me start off by saying that I am a romantic, I always have been , I love women, I love everything about them. Im not a sex crazed maniac I just love the whole romantic search for a soulmate aspect of life. I love the feeling of just holding a woman in your arms and telling them that you love them. Back to what I was saying. I spent all my years in elementary school building up the courage to ask out this girl I was crazy about to go out with me. I eventually got the courage and asked her to the halloween dance. I was turned down...::sigh:: I can understand why today. I have come to realize that the world is based on the social aspect of society and that people decide who they are attracted to by whoever is closest to the medias perception of perfection. And I ... was far from it. I was about four foot sumthin and was 130 pounds wearing dirty handme down clothes. The rejection hurt me extremely but in a way I expected it. I felt so much pain, and I continuously beat myself up about it. A few weeks later was my first alateen meeting. I didnt know it then but that meeting would give me the love and friendship that I have today.
By the time I joined alateen my father was sober. HE was sober but he is what you would call a dry drunk. He still had the actions and behaviors of an alcoholic... to be continued duh duh duh

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