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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
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heh... I feel a bit foolish... I dont want to go in to detail on that because truelly it is irrelevent... Plus I figure most likely this will be read by someone and I dont want them knowing why... passing phase... A bit of dissapointment. A bit of indirected anger... I dont know... Havent had the pining for a relationship in a long while... I think it was mostly because when I got a slight taste of it I realized how much I hated it. I prefer the freedom and the feeling of being your own person.. Typically when people couple they tend to lose their selves and just become so and sos boyfriend or so and sos girlfriend... A lost chance that I hid myself and didnt try to find... abandoned... move along... As the minutes pass so does this dissapointment... Because perhaps I didnt care that much, or maybe this is how I have learned to cope... When I am hurt just move along and dont linger on the unnecessary... Lost interest... I miss my friends... Well, those that I can actually consider true friends... I beleive that they know who they are... Some people that I have considered friends just make me feel a bit uncomfortable. Unwanted... Sometimes I feel as though they look at hanging out with me as a chore, That in order to spend time with one another there has to be something to do... I am aware that I am being vague, that is what i do... But yeah,,,, ill be specific later... maybe
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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if anyone actually still looks at this journal... just to let you know... the journal is now "cainesretribute"
;D
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 10th, 2003
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this is a fundraiser for my father and my family
Remembering the Past...
Looking forward to the future
Benefit In Honor of
Walter Umlah
50-60's Style Dinner
This dinner is to benefit/fund raiser is to benefit Walter Umlah and his family. In August of 2001 Walter Umlah was diagnosed with having a brain tumor. In October of the same year he had a surgery which made him unable to work. He is still unable to work and in need of 24 hour supervision.The household in which he is living is made up of himself and his caretaker, which is his wife, and his son which works nights at the USPS priority mail processing center just to try to cover some of the bills. Their financial situation has become steadily more serious due to medical bills and bills for the expenses of living in general. So anything that could be contributed to the cause would be greatly appreciated.
SERVING: Burgers, Hot dogs, french fries, root beer floats, frappes and homemade apple and blueberry pies
COME IN COSTUME AND JOIN IN THE FUN AND ENTERTAINMENT
THERE WILL BE A SILENT AUCTION TABLE
DONATIONS KINDLY ACCEPTED
WHEN: SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2003 5-8 P.M.
WHERE: FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH
2 SPRING STREET. EXETER, NH 03833
603-772-3098
$10.00 PER PERSON
-MADE OUT TO FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH
TICKETS AND RESERVATIONS REQUIRED
Monetary gifts appreciated and acknowledged
(this is an alcohol free event)
If you would like to contribute but are unable to make it to the event. Feel free to send whatever you would like to donate to
Walter Umlah
42 Melissa Drive
Nashua, NH 03062
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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Monday, August 12th, 2002
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it has come to my attention that one of two girl that I know have been repeating things that I have put in my journal to my mother, thus causing us to extremely clash.... and because of this... this will be my last entry... thank you either laura or alex or julie for ruining the one place where i could speak my mind... I guess nothing is sacred anymore.... I cant have my privacy from my mother.... I told her not to go in to my livejournal account anymore and she honored that but instead people went to her and told her what I had wrote and we fought because of it... My world is completely upsidedown rightnow due to this breaking of trust... My mother is now taking drastic reproach and is pissed of at me for "feeding in to daves ego" which is ridiculous.... I write things in my journal to help those who read it who might be going through a similar circumstance... or for myself to just talk about issues that i dont want to share with others... but now that comfort is gone... because of people taking my words... anlyzing them and ripping them apart and giving a totlly wrong and different version to my mother.... or she reads it herself and totally twists it in to something else... I just hate my life right now... I am just so sick of all this crap.... I woke up early this morning and i was going to get up but then my mother came in to "talk" to me about an entry i made the night before... it lasted a while... and after i just went right back to sleep ... i didnt want to get out of my bed.... i cant be hurt there... the pain doesnt follow me there.... its my only place to keep away from it... ME and my mother have been clashing a lot about the whole dave issue and its ridiculous... I dont belive either party was completely right.... both did said and acted improperly... things were said that shouldnt have been said... my mother coninuously accuses me of being completely on daves side... and im not...she says that all of her kids dont care about her in any way and that is bull... im just so sick of everything.... im on niether side because it isnt my stuff.... I was telling this to my mother this morning... i was yelling it rather because of the heat of the moment and it seems like that is the only way she hears... and i remember cursing and my father hit me on the back of the head.... it really made me think back to the past and it sucks.... but i guess now because of all this shit that has gone down my mother is taking permanent measures and leaving everything...
this is my final entry for a long time.... more than likely forever.... Its just sad that the one place i felt i could share anything.... Is as crooked as everything else
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Comments: Read 17 or Add Your Own.
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I dont know.... I feel kind of dissapointed with myself right now.... This entry has been on my mind for a long time and i have delayed writing it... I keep getting over relationships... No matter how small much to quikly in my eyes... i mean most of them are just innocent crushes but... I still had something there and when things seemed hopeless I just gave up and let it go... In some ways I am devoted to my search... Only because I look for that one special person and I have just wanted that sort of relationship all my life... I dont have empty faith that it "is" going to happen just because... I merely hope it will... I have received comments on my journal, telling me to not look for money but to wait for it to come to me.... Thats bull... im sorry but its true... It makes a lot of sense in "cant hardly wait" if fate were real anyway... it can only get you so far... then you have to take over your life and lead yourself to the path you want to take... thats the way i view my life now... i need to take control of my life and move dow the path that i need to take... sitting on my ass and just waiting for stuff to just happen is a waste of my life and i refuse to do that.... I want more.... I have been saying that a lot lately.... i want more... I have been saying it to women alot especially lately.... for some reason all the girls I have been interacting with just want friendships or one of those "friend with benifits" relationships.... it just isnt for me... it isnt right.... I want more... I dont want one half of a great thing.... i want as much as i can get... I experienced that a lot this weekend.... I just want more from this life... sitting in my room and pittying myself waiting for something that may never come is just a waste of my very existence.... I can and will get more... People can say that their god will hand them everything and whatnot.... but i am taking my life back in to my own hands....
This weekend i went to a big campout and festival type thing... I enjoyed it very much... i went because i needed to stay away from the house because whenever i am home my mother hassles me about her issues with dave... i swear the whole situation is ridiculous.... but anyway i went with the group of people that are friends of my parents about 15 people... I got there with no expectations... i was just going to enjoy the camping atmosphere and maybe make some new pictures... I ended up sitting under a tree making some pictures when I was approached by two girls... They were both very beautiful but i was attracted to one in particular... We all ended up hanging out for the rest of the weekend and had a very enjoyable time... I ended up being alonewith the girl and we had a very good conversation... it was the first in a long time that i had an in depth conversation with a girl.... I havent had a conversation like that with a girl... possibly ever!... its usually my guy friends... But i really started to like her and we became a bit closer... i enjoyed everyminute i spent with her... things became wierd when we were together as a group with the two girls, myself and two other guys we met that weekend... and the girl said soimething along the lines of... I dont have boyfriends i have friends with benefits... It seemed like she was obviously trying to let me know.... later that night we had pretty much paired off and it was me and the girl and the other girl was with one of the guys and the other guy went off and did his own thing... at the end of the night after we had gone to the dance and passed the time we were saying goodbyes for the night and the girl that i was with told her friend that she should kiss the guy goodnight, and her friend replied "no im not going to kiss him because we arent hooking up" i knew that crushed the kid because he really liked her... and then the girls friend asked "are you"... and the girl i was with replied with "no" I felt kind of shitty... but i accepted it... the next day would be our last before we went home... i woke up at like 7 so that i could spend more time with them before we left... we were supposed to leave at 2 and they were leaving at 1... so i got up and imediately went to go wake them up as they had told me to the night before.... i went to wake them up and they wouldnt get up... so i packed up all my stuff and about an hour later they got up.... something felt wrong... i just got an awkward feeling... i was very close with the girl the night before and that morning she wouldnt even hug me... Something just felt wrong... somethingfelt off... MY mind wandered as it usually does... I decided to test my theory... so i called he over to me... and i went to go touch her face and she pulled away... I chuckled to myself and walked away... I sat by myself and just thought... maybe i made something of nothing... maybe i am trying to attain something that just isnt there... I dont know.... but i ended up making a picture of an angel with the lyrics to the song come what may in moulin rouge and i gave it to her... she came up to me and thanked me... there wasnt much more than that... i found out that instead of 2 we were leaving at 1130... so my time was cut short... I gave her a hug good bye and walked away... I felt wierd... I felt incomplete... like something was left undone.... So I asked how long til we leave and i was told 5 minutes... so i ran off to find her...I dont know why... I just had to find her... I found her and i asked her if she still had the buissness card i had given her and she said yes... I just wanted to keep in touch with her... we hugged again but this time it seemed like she went to kiss me... i stopped her... kissed her on the cheek and whispered in to her ear..." im sorry, but i just cant be another on of your friends with benifits" the entire time the words " I want more" filled my mind... I didnt tel her though... i dont know why.... Afterthat i just walked away... i was saying bye to the guys I had met that weekend at the pool and one of them had told me that the girls friend had told him that she really did like me... It made me second guess my actions but it needed to be said... I dont know what the hell I want anymore... I get all these crushes but I dont know wht to make of them... at the time they are so importaint to me but when they become impossible i just let it go and move on... i dont know i just feel bad thati just let it go so easily... maybe not really easily but... i dont know... its just that i wish i could actually pursue relationships further... it feels like im the only person that ever wants to... it seems like every girl i like lives too far away or moves far away and i have no way to be with them... this actually was a more realistic oppurtunity for me because she only lives in the next state over... but i dont know.. i wish i just knew what people felt and that people would express what they feel instead of keeping secrets... i hate secrets.... I just want evrything to be simple... but it seems impossile... I just want to have the happiness i have always longed for... I am tired of getting a taste of the happiness and then to have it ripped from my grasp like a child.... someday i suppose... I will attain that which i desire...
(Just a quick note: comments on my journal are always welcome but if ytou are just going to say something like just wait and it will come to you... or anything saying that i made a stupid decision or anything like that... please keep it to yourself.... I want my journal to remain positive and i dont want to have to regret anythign that i do in life)
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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 | magusofunseen |  | ![]() | | probability that magusofunseen has masturbated today: | 16% | | magusofunseen's lucky number is: | 1 | | magusofunseen is most like the color #6ce7c3: |  | |
| ![]() |  | by James |  |
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I feel the need to continue rambling... Ive been thinking alot lately... Just thinking... No words... I want... But know not what... I long... I know not what for...
I sometimes feel so apathetic, and at other times I am filled with so much energy... For some reason when I am around females I am just filled with so much energy and vibrance... Dave says that I am flirting but I do not see it that way... I know whenI am flirting and I know when I am interested in a girl... But when I am just around women it is different... It is like a new level of myself... I dont feel the need to wonder what others think about me, I feel this way anyway, but when I am with women I just usually have fun with it... Dave said that I turn in to a clown... I suppose he is right... There is just something inside me that fills me with so much joy to be able to make a woman smile, no matter what the circumstance... My family always used to call me a comedian... I just liked to make people happy even in the most dire of circumstances... I dont know... My emotions have been so fickle lately... One minute I will be alive with so much happiness and moments later... Everything goes dark and everything just seems futile... I begin to doubt myself and rip myself apart... I tear in to myself... "your annoying people, just shut up, just go away..." These thoughts cloud my mind and I know not what to do but sit in silence... There always seems to be something wrong with me... I always even in a moment of happiness reflect on things and just fall from my high point... Always falling.... falling.... I cannot focus on anything right now... I just feel so... down... I want something.... I always wanted something.... I dont need it, but I long for it desperately....
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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im feeling shitty right now... I dont really know why... My friend dave brought it to my attention that I only write in my journal when something shitty is going on... I suppose he is right... I just write in my journal because I find it helps me a lot better than talking about my problems with other people... I just dont like talking with others that much anymore... I am just tired of getting false ampathy and stuff like that... It all just seems so fake... I dont know I am just rambling... I just left my "family vacation" in Maine early... I hated being there... It was Myself my mother and father and my friend dave... It was moderately enjoyable at first... Just hanging out and relaxing and junk... Got a little boring because of lack of alternitive things to do... I clashed with my mother a lot... Not much of a change from usual occurance... I will probably go in to further detail about it at a later time... Now I just dont really feel up to discussing it... I talked with Dave about a lot of things and cleared up a lot of stuff in my own mind... We talked about my "dependancy" on women... I explained myself and told him that I wouldnt label it a "dependancy" for a woman. I see it that All my life I have been looking for someone like myself... A kindred spirit.. Someone that I can relate to perfectly and love with every fiber of my being... Someone to complete this emptiness I feel in my heart and soul... Different things give me happiness in my life... Different types of happiness... In my case one of the things in my life that happens to make me the happienst is receiving the fruits of my efforts, and I forsee that the thing that will make me the happiest is finding the one for me... I dont know everything, and there is a good possibility that there is no fate... Or that there is no ONE person for me... I just hope every day that there is... Otherwise, what have I spent so much time looking for?
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
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> > I'll be happy when...
> >
> > We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get
married,
> > have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids
aren't
> > old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that,
we're
> > frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly
be
> > happy when they are
> > out of that stage.
> >
> > We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse
gets
> > his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to
> >go
> > on a nice vacation, or when we retire.
> >
> >
> > The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
> > If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
> >
> > It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
> > Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and
> > treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,
special
> > enough to spend your time with... and remember that time waits for
no
> > one.
> >
> >
> > So, stop waiting...
> > Until your car or home is paid off.
> > Until you get a new car or home.
> > Until your kids leave the house.
> > Until you go back to school.
> > Until you finish school.
> > Until you lose 10 lbs.
> > Until you gain 10 lbs.
> > Until you get married.
> > Until you get a divorce.
> > Until you have kids.
> > Until you retire.
> > Until summer..
> > Until spring.
> > Until winter.
> > Until fall.
> > Until you die.
> >
> >
> > There is no better time than right now to be happy.
> > Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
> > So work like you don't need money,
> > Love like you've never been hurt,
> > And, dance like no one's watching.
> >
> > -original author unknown
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I guess I have been putting off writing this entry... I dont really know why... I just havent felt right about it... This weekend I went to the New England Alateen Convention... I enjoyed it a lot...I suppose I will start from the beggining...
On wednesday night dave came over my house to spend the rest of the week until Neac... we had a lot of good conversations... mostly on how our wanting to change the world... We had a large difference of opinion on the topic... He was very adamant and when I differed in his opinion he told me that I was wrong and that kind of annoyed me... His way differed from my way alot... and i dont mind that... I will do things my way even if it is futile...I will make my difference in my own way.... I dont see destruction as an option... I dont want to see it as an option... It just isnt right... I got over it and we were really anticipating the convention... We left on friday morning and we arrived at about 3 or so... it felt really good to see all these people that I had missed so much,,, I dont really know where to start... It all just seems like a blur of happiness... I guess I will start with the major point... On friday night I met this wonderful girl... From the moment I saw her I was greatly attracted to her... I had seen her before but I dared not approach, I just feared that she would never give me te time of day or even talk to me...I ended up hanging out with her alot that night... I really enjoyed the time that I spent with her... I felt really close to her... I felt what one would call an instant repore... I just felt really good just being with her... It really made me forget and helped me deal with losing Krystal.... I think I am finally over it... which is really good...That night when we had all retired to our dorms I was talking with three of the guys from our group... tim cory and chris... i told them how I had met this girl that had such a phenominal beauty... I tried to replicate it on paper but It seemed futile I just could not capture the essance on pen and paper... I tried to describe her but all words seemed unworthy... I got the basic idea across... The next day we were unseperable according to my friend kyle... kyle was a friend of mine from my group... he was really great to me... he was really there when i needed him... oh yeah the point... I had pointed out to all the guys in my group the girl that I had been trying to describe and they agreed with me that she was quite beautiful... I had so much joy spending that day with her...
That day I went to four meetings... i talked on the experiences I faced during the year with my fathers desease and krystals leaving and I broke down crying in almost all of them... it felt good to be able to cry and not feel alone with a person on each side with an arm around me... I just felt so comfortable and happy... A feeling thatI havent experienced in a long time... I just loved being with the girl
That night things started to get wierd... I couldnt quite put my finger on it but something just didnt feel right... I tried to not let it affect my mood... That night was the key note speakers and I asked her if she was going going to sit with me and she replied with " i have been with you all day" I was kind of shocked but I ended up dealing with it... SO i sat by myself during keynote.... She sat next to tim and some other people... I didnt think that much of it at the time.... After the keynote she seemed really distant and estranged... She went directly to the dance after the keynote while i went to the dorm quikly to drop off some things with kyle... I talked to him about the feelings that I was having and how I would just like to skip the dance and just go out to the field with the girl and just watch the stars... We got ready and headed for the dance... when we arrived I saw the boy tim from my group with a bunch of other people... ANd then I saw that he was cuddling with the girl that I had been pursuing... I was shocked... I stopped in my steps and tried to not make eye contact.... I felt my heart tear and my blood boil... I didnt know how to react.... I just felt so hurt.... I didnt know who to be mad at ... I didnt know what I felt... I heard Kyle gasp and mutter "oh shit" I walked away without saying a word... kyle told me that she had come up to him and asked if I was mad at her... he replied that he had no idea...
I wasnt really mad at her because she doesnt really have any commin\tment to me and doesnt even know that I like her... I was basically upset with tim... he was a good friend of mine and a part of my group... i had trusted him... he knew how i had felt toward her... and still he pursued her.... I felt betrayed... and sad... I didnt know what to do... I am so grateful for the people who talked to me while I was going through what I was
Jess P
Kyle and the other jess p... you made so much of a difference you will never know... I sincerely thank you for everything you have done... Kyle ended up talking to her and telling her that I had liked her and that was why i was so upset to see her with someone else... she told him that she would have never been with tim if she knew that I felt the way i did... we ended up reconciling but things still felt strange... it wasnt the same as earlier in the day... Things just didnt feel right.... it was awkward... I didnt talk to tim for the rest of the eveneing.... at the end of the night I danced with her to stariway to heaven... one of my favorite songs of all time.... it felt magical despite the nights events...I walked her to her dorm shortly after.. . when i returned to my dorm i confronted tim... i told him that I looked at everyone in my meeting as brothers and what he did to me hurt me more than anything... i felt as if my trust had been betrayed and i basically just told him everything that i felt and whatnot... he apologized.... i was kind of suprised... i was glad that he did not try and make up excuses because that would have just made me more angry.... but it was fine after... i accepted the apology and things went on as usual... the next day i tried to hang out with the girl and things were just wierd... it wasnt the same... she just didnt seem t like me as much as she did earlier in the weekend... as hard as i tried she just wsnt the same toward me... I tried to approach her about it and it was of no use... maybe I am just making too much of nothing but things just felt wierd... i had so much of a connection with this girl and suddenly it seemed to go to nothing.... I talked at the HP meeting on sunday the HP meeting is a meeting at the end of the convention with all the people at the convention with a microphone at one end of the field where people just go up and talk about whatever they want... I got up the courage and went up there... I was planning on just talking about everything... I was looking for somehting from this neac... i have faced so much this year and i was looking for something... not neceserily something to make it all better but just something to make mew stronger... and i thought speaking about it may help... i was expecting to talk for like 20 minutes.... I made it about 3 minutes before I burst in to tears.... I thought about my farther... I thought about the people i love... i thought about the people that have touched my lives over the years and I cried... I didnt fear what all of those people thought of me because I knew that they loved me anyway... I remember just feeling so grateful when I was standing up there to have all these people I knew come up there and give me a hug and tell me that they love me... I felt like I truely belonged.... I didnt cry out of sadness... I cried out of happiness...
I didnt care about women troubles... She came up there as well.... and i didnt feel the sorrow of the thought of her not likeing me I just felt happiness because I had her there with me for that moment... I cried so much that day.... Tears of my unconditional love for everyone there.... A love i wish the entire world shared.... a world that I want to change with love instead of hate....
I said my goodbyes... and I am sad to come back to the real world, but it has given me the ambition to make something of my life... to get my life on track and to make my difference in the world....
I got this letter from the girl today
Hey Sweetie,
how ya doin well i am ok i miss you so much. i cant believe i cryed this year at neac i never cryed before but i think that when they played that song it all hit me. but i hope that you and kyle come down to see me because i would love to see you guys...anyways i remember seeing you at the convention but when you had like what black or red hair i just remember because you gave me your card and i have one already from the al-anon convention..but i dont know i am probably going to the afterglow in vermont on the 17 i hope that you giuys will go so that we can get to know eachother again. other than that i am just so bored at home and there is nothing to do i wish i was at neac i had the best time i am sorry if i acted different that day i just was confused and i just acted different. i am so sorry i didnt know that you liked me i mean i was like well he wont mind if he saw me on another boy and when i found out from kyle that you liked me i was like so upset because i felt so bad. but i mean i just meet so many people and i am so happy i meet you when i did. thank you for the picture and the letter. could you draw me another picture? who was the picture of? anyways i am so happy that my son craig payed for me too go to neac because i needed it so much. when i was all upset and sharing at the gods meeting why didnt you come up there i was like wonderin why you didnt come up everyone else did....but i love you and i miss you...i loved dancin wit you. now after hearin that song i am always herein it everywhere i go now...i was at my friends house and it was downloaded on is computer and i was like omg play it and i started to cry because i thought of everyone. when i started to cry why wouldnt you let me leave? i mean i would have come back i was just shocked that they played that song because everytime i hear that song i always cry because when my friends mother died we dedicated that song to her so it reminds me of her. but anyways i understand why you were mad at tim because you told him you like me and he came on to me and i am so easy to go on to people if i see them comin on to me because i dont get to many people who like me. but i mean you just were so great to me and you were the most special thing to me this weekend and i think that that was why i cry was because i knew i wouldnt see you for awhile. but hopefully kyle will email me back and give me his address and the town and zipcode of where he lives. so i could give him directions to my house. any ways i think that i wrote enough i have never wrote this much but talk to you when you write back...
I felt really good when i read this... i responded with
hey it is really great to hear back from you now i will try and answer your questions...
well i really hope that i can see you at the afterglow as well. i definitely will be there... i would really like to get to know you better, because i really do like you and i felt a great connection with you that just bewildered me...
as far as the picture, you just filled me with inspiration when i met you and hung out with you on friday night that i tried to replicate your beauty but it wasnt possible... I remember when i was trying to describe who you were to the boys of my group that i was just lost for words... i would be honored to be able to try and draw you again... I am sorry i didnt come up when you were talking at the gods meetiong... i was just so confuse.... I just was so unsure of what your feelings for me were,.... i knew what mine were but you always seemed so unclear to me... So i didnt want to try and pursue you if you didnt like me.,.. Stairway to heaven is one of my favorite songs... it was a song that my father used to play for me as a child... i didnt have much of a relationship with my dad so music was all i had with him and that song means so much to me... that is why i so direly wanted to dance with you to it...
When you were crying i didnt want you to leave because I didnt want you to be ashamed of the emotions that you wanted to show... and i just wanted to hold you and be there for you to just let you know that it was all going to be ok..
I am most likely going to be coming down i think wednesday and friday for some connectiucut meetings i belive milford... im not sure... so if you can get to them i would love to see you... and as far as the directions go if you give me your adress and phone number i can get them... i hope to hear from you soon and i must say that i am shocked that you dont have a line of boys at your door trying to court you... I hope to see you again soon because you are very special to me even if you dont feel the same way i just wish i knew what was going on in your mind... and i hope some day you can let me in on it ;D
<3 you and miss you
talk to you later
Jeremy L Umlah
I hope... I can live up to that which I pursue for myself.... I want everyone to feel what I have felt... I want to spread this message... destruction isnt the answer.... I refuse to let it
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Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
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feel the wrath of baldo
http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=KREEEYR&key=UJF
They don't call you "The sword drawing man slayer" for nothing! You have some SERIOUS SKILLZ! You're personal life is nonexistant because you are driven to free the oppressed and kill their oppressers, and bring Japan's government to a new system. You smell of blood due to all the people that you have killed. And you're still young! But sins can be atoned for. Give it time.
ReverseBlade!
You're a loner. You're completely OBLIVIOUS to just about anything except "being the strongest". By the way, your friends are dead. Let them rest.
ReverseBlade!
You are Soujiro Seta!The Tenken. Your fighting style awes all who see it, as well as your demeanor. You are Shishio's top fighter, and there is no doubt why. There is a constant smile upon your face, and most people believe that the only emotion you can feel is pleasure. Your speed is unbelievable, and you are able to match, if not exceed, Kenshin's own god-like speed. Faced with pressure, though, and with emotional trauma and indecision, you are still a little kid. Good thing you can still kick some ass.
Which member of the Juppon Gatana are You?
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 17th, 2002
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I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Fighter Mage
Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.
Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.
Primary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.
Secondary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.
Deity:
Tymora is the Chaotic Good goddess of luck and good fortune. She is also known as Lady Luck, and also Tyche's fair-tressed daughter. Followers of Tymora believe in the tenent that, 'Fortune Favors the Bold,' and will throw caution to the wind and trust to luck to work things out for the best. Tymora's symbol is an unmarked silver disk.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | searching tragedy |
| Time: | 1:53 am. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | 12 - El Tango De Roxanne - Ewan Mcgregor Jose Feliciano Jacek Koman. |
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I ran away this week,
I ran away from everything,
I ran away from my pain, my woes... I just ran... I didnt think about them or deal with them... I just ran...
And it followed... I thought I had gotten away but al the things that I left behind followed me... and took their toll...
Last week a few days after Krystal had left my good friend Mike had asked me if I wanted to go with him and his family for a trip to Maryland for the week. He had asked others if they could go with but most people work, I on the other hand... do not... He figured that I didnt have any responsabilities so he asked me... and he was right... So i basically just packed up and left... In past instances when I have hung out with mike for long periods of times he ends up getting really fed up with me and we get really pissy toward one another... So I told him before the trip began that if I did anything that pissed him off, just let me know and I will try to stop it... Mike is one of my best friends and we have been friends since 4th grade... his opinion matters to me and if i was doing something wrong i would want to know about it... I had left that saturday morning... We were going to be staying at his aunts beach house in bethany beach, delaware... It was only a few days since krystals leaving so it was still pretty fresh in my mind... But i just forced it away because I didnt want it to affect the time I would have on the vacation... I spent approximately 10 hours with them in that car... mike, his brother and his mother and father... I was kind of afraid of his parents because in the recent years they had been really cold toward me and even at one point they accused me of "corrupting" mike... what they thought i was corrupting him to ill never know but... anyway... I basically did a lot of reading on the way up while I let mike and his brother dan play with the video games I had brought... It wasnt a bad ride... just not alot to do... we arrived at about 9 or 10 or so... i dont really recalll... we immediately went to the beach... I always loved the ocean... ever since i was a child... i always loved the peaceful serenity of the ocean .. such a vast area of mystery... i dont know... the begining of the week is a blur mostly... mikes parents were extremely kind toward me which was a bit suprising... They treated for all of us almost everywhere we went... I kind of assumed it was for pitty due to my situation with my fathers condition and my father being out of work but i was a little put off by it... like i was still extremely grateful for it but i just wish that i knew they would have done it even if i wasnt going through what i was... i remember talking to mikes dad, basically explaining what the situation was in my home and whatnot... and i just remember him saying "wow, you havent exactly had it easy huh?" I dont know why that just sorta stuck in my head...
during the week mikes parents took all of us to many different places, they took us parasailing, waverunning, mini golfing and paid for us to go the club and just provided almost everything for us... they paid for our meals when we went out to eat and everything... I was shocked.. i was totally not used to such a thing....
As the week wore on I began to become very annoyed by Mike... He is one of my best friends but he was getting on my nerves so bad but he was just acting so spoiled... He would get all whiny if he did not get his way with everything that he wanted... It began to really piss me off... Both him and his brother were doing it... Not his brother so much but Mike especially... He would get all pissy if he didnt get his way or get to listen to his music... I just remember him starting fights with his parents for some of the stupidest reasopns and it would really piss me off... I dont know, i guess it was mostly because I was jealous because he has life so incredibly easy and every thing is handed to him on a platter and he still wasnt grateful... I remember him saying that he hates his parents and he wished he didnt have to deal with them... I just wanted to smack him in the face... I guess when it comes to parents you dont appreciate them until you dont have them anymore... I remember I used to badmouth and curse my parents so much... I thought I hated them so much... But i know that it wasnt true... now i know that i would give anything to just have my father back the way he was...
The week just passed on like that without major event until wednesday night... I had gotten the new red hot chili peppers cd and had been listening to it for a majority of the day... That night I went to bed early and just laid in my bed... The nights before I fell asleep with ease because of the use of nyquil... but that night i didnt take any and i just stayed awake staring at the ceiling my mind wandered and tortured me... I thought of everything... I pitied myself... i insulted myself... I tore myself apart.... I let out all the pains and woes that I stuffed down... images of my past haunted me.... I felt the tears run down my face as these images flashed in my mind... I thought of Krystal, my last love... my lost love.... I thought of the pain of loss... I thought of my father... three images in particular... I saw him when he was younger and healthier.. when he used to be my father no matter how rarely that was... and the second image was when I first went to visit him at the rehab... so weak an frail... his strong body wasted away from being in a hospital bed for weeks.... I saw my father my image of steength brought to this weak state... The final image I had was from the first time that I stayed home for the day to take care of him... he was taking a nap in his room... I was standing by his door examining the picture on the wall near the door... and then i glanced over and saw him staring right at me... he had the blanket pulled up to his mouth and his eyes were wide with fear... he had the look on his face of unrecognization... He had no idea who I was... It was the look a child would have if the boogie man was in front of them... He had no idea who I was... Sometimes to this day I doubt if he knows who I am... I sometimes hear him ask my mom who I am... It hurts and it brings me to the virge of tears... I laid there in my bed near sobbing thinking of all these things.. all these images that plauged me.... The tears stung my eyes... but i could not stop them... I sat there almost all night,,,, feeling horrible without releif... when i finally fell asleep it seemed like moments later that I awoke to mike asking me if i wanted to go golfing with him and his brother... i refused mostly because I wouldnt have been very good company and i would have gotten really annoyed with their spoiled behavior, and just said i was going to go to the beach maybe take a walk... So i went to the beach and sat and drew a little... I sat there amongst all these people trying to make their bodies more appealing and all that junk and i just felt very uncomfortable... the thoughts of the night before were still clear in my mind... so i just started walking down the beach... time passed... seconds, minutes. hours... i just walked listening to my cd... i had my portfolio in one hand my cd player in my other and my bag over my shoulder... I walked on and on... just thinking of the things of the night before and of people... the world i live in .... I thought of my belifs... i recalled how i had said that i wasnted to change the world.... i thought... how do i change a world that doesnt want to change... I thought how can i teach those who do not want to learn... I looked at how many assholes there are in the world and i came to a realization that made me feel less angry... i realized that they are necasery... it is the simple minded assholes that make the enlightened good people of the world shine... i hate what they have done to me... but those acts made me who i am... i wouldnt know the things i do now without them... torment breeds knoledge...
i looked down at my watch and realized i had been walking for a long time... my feet were covered in blisters and stung with pain... i walked out to the road and called mike asking him to pick me up... it turned out that I had walked 12 miles...
from bethany beach delaware to ocean city maryland...
I wasnt as angry as i was with mike after that... my negative emotions subsided a bit... Nothing of real point happened between that time and when we left... well nothing i can recall at the moment... but, While we were staying at the cottage mikes uncle came to visit from virginia... he was a really cool guy and he had told us some really cool stories and whatnot... When we were on the way home I was looking in my portfolio and i had found a note that he had writen me... it said
"Jeremy
You appear to be a well mannered guy. It was nice to have met you. You dont seem to ask for anything and this worries me. so please take this cash just in case
my way of saying thanks
Pete Doxzon"
I was really suprised... It was a very kind act... If he was still around I would have returned the money because the note in itself did much more than the money... So i spent the money on some books... I figured it would be best to use the money to better myself... we stayed at a hotel on the way home... the point of the trip was to attend mikes moms sisters wedding... i went to the actual wedding but i stayed at the hotel while they went to the reception... i just felt very uncomfortable because i didnt know anyone so i just decided to hang out and read at the hotel... while they were gone I made a card/ drawing in appreciation for their kindness and generosity and just the incredible time they showed me... I slipped it under the door of mikes paretns room and went to bed...
the next morning mikes dad thanked me and said that it was a very kind gesture and that i was a pleasure to have along... his mom gave me a hug and thanked me and said i was very thoughtful... mike started to piss me off a bit again on the ride home... I realized why we end up clashing when we hang out a lot... when he gets tired he gets really pissy... and when he gives me attitude i get pissy and retaliate... mostly cuz i am tired too... but this week the things that were pissing me off was how he was being so ungrateful for what he has... he is one of my best friends and i love him but i just got so annoyed to see him so ungrateful... I dont know just jealous i guess... I went to my alateen meeting when we got back to nashua... I tried to share about what I had experienced this week and i just started crying... i could talk about it... i got about half way through it and i got to the part about the walk and i just started getting the old thoughts and started crying... it was the first time that i had started crying in the meeting... i really need to start getting ahold of my self... i just feel like crying alot... i feel the pangs of depression coming back... i lay in bed for hours... i sleep incredibly late and just dont want to get up... I enjoy my drweams more than my actual life and just dont want to face reality... I really need to pull myself togather.... I cant wait for this weekend... it is the new england alateen conference and I hope I can have a breakthrough for all this stuff.... I need to get throught this.... i will persevere... i will make it.... I have come too far to lose now.....
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